DRUNK THOUGHTS

"....I didn't remember ordering that last beer, but I drank it anyway. I also don't remember paying my tab...apparently I didn't, according to the angry man on my front lawn dressed in a squirrel costume. As angry as he was, he still sang me 'happy birthday' to me. I guess I can never go back to that Chuck-E-Cheese in Ohio, even though the squirrel signed me up for a ' frequent Chuck-E-Card'..."

Excerpt from 'The Truth About Cats & Dogs & Other Shit..." From NATIONAL COMEDY: Volume One

"...So I was tied up in the back of this minivan and blindfolded, covered in sparkly lipstick and forced to repeatedly listen to the book-on-tape of 'The Cat In The Hat'', read by what sounded like a retarded, Spanish speaking Gilbert Gottfried.  For most people, the sound of Gilbert Gottfrieds voice is an awful, awful torture that is only used for celebrity roasts and guantanamo terrorist interrogations.  Without being rude or mean....umm...his voice is the opposite of soothing and comforting. If you can imagine the sound of a dozen alley cats having angry sex in a dumpster filled with broken didgeridoos and cheaply made afghani kazoos that emit the howling screeches of Jewish clowns forced to do the 'human centipede' in the basement of a Long John Silvers in Bangkok.....that is the best description of the unpleasantness I feel when I hear Gilbert Gottfrieds voice....in Spanish....."

-Benjamin Carrico

MY WONDERFUL NEIGHBORHOOD

This is my neighborhood, this is where I live.  I can tolerate a lot of things...when my bathroom plumbing began pumping raw sewage into my bubble bath I said; "well...it's an old building...these things happen....".  When a meth lab exploded across the street and my neighborhood turned into a scene from 'outbreak', I said "hhmmmm....never would have guessed anyone was cooking up drugs in at cute little bungalow!"  But, when people light Christmas trees on fire for fun...outside my window...I say "NO!  Hell no!  This is my hood and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"