Happy 4th! Don't blow your nuts off!

Hey kids! Benjamin Wally here wishing you a happy 4th of July! Of course, i could give a rats ass about how your 3rd of July went or how your 5th of July will be! I will be most likely drinking cheap beer and screaming at my shitty internet connection before heading down to The Queen Mary here in Long Beach, California to enjoy a wonderful fireworks display over the stagnate Rainbow Harbor. Currently I am nursing a hangover that my offspring are sure to inherit, while i anxiously awaited an email from The Michael Jackson Memorial at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. That's right, I applied for a ticket to go to the memorial one minute after they were made available to the public! Wish me luck! Well, I have to crap now and then perform a biopsy of my stool. Remember, the founding fathers probably wouldn't like you very much.

MICHAEL JACKSON TO AUCTION MEMORABILIA

CRAZY SHIT FOR SALE
By Benjamin Carrico

The King of Pop is hoping that his financial woes will be eased by auctioning off his beloved collection of....stuff. Jackson will attempt to auction of a lifetime of relics at a gala event titled: MJ's Stuff: A Cornucopia Of Crazy. "I think collectors will be fighting over some of this incredible memorabilia....I mean, who wouldn't want a robot monkey named Mcauley 2 or an oil painting of Michael playing 'chutes & Ladders' with the elephant man's bones?" Says MJ expert, Travis Winthrop. "Me, I have my eye on a bin of used surgical masks".
Although there are sought after pieces in this collection such as Michael's sparkling socks and gloves that he performed the 'moon walk' in, there are other pieces that bewilder possible auction bidders. "I have auctioned off some weird stuff in my day, but this collection of nonsense takes the cake..". Says profesional auctioneer, Herman Mung. Among the stranger items to be auctioned are a pair of pajamas made of chocolate chip cookie dough, an ice cream statue of Corey Feldman and a cache of semi automatic weapons.